Wholly beginner
Finding Home in Anglicanism (Part 2)
I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t want to follow Jesus. As early as I can remember, my sisters and I were hearing about God’s love and Jesus dying for our sins. When I was five years old, I have a very distinct memory of leaning out the back door of our house and “asking Jesus into my heart”. Later, as a pre-teen, my dad baptized me in our bathtub, since we didn’t have a home church. I grew up on Maranatha songs sung at Bible studies, prayers at every meal, and regular morning “quiet times”.
At youth group, I was always the girl asking the deep theological questions. This continued at my YWAM DTS, and when I went to two years of Bible college. I “gave my testimony” when touring with the Bible college Chorale, and sang at more churches than I can remember.
I say none of this to toot my own horn about my supposed holiness (especially since that striving for holiness led me down some toxic and harmful paths). Hearing about Jesus’s love as early as I can remember is something that I owe entirely to my wonderful parents, and I’m so thankful for that gift. I say all this to set the stage…
Though I’ve always been socially on the outside with church, I’ve always been “in the know” with evangelicalism. I could talk the talk (and yes, there’s definitely a “Christian-ese”), whip to the right Bible verse in record time, and knew all the right words to the praise choruses. Quite honestly, I took this for granted as it was always that way. I don’t ever remember feeling like I didn’t know the right answer to a Christianity-related question.
Until now.
I shared in early March about attending my first Ash Wednesday service at our local Anglican church. It was utterly beautiful, and very meaningful, and marked the beginning of the first Lent I’ve observed that has been quite formational in my spiritual life.
It also marked a shift for our family in our very long church journey. Over the years, we’ve tried many different evangelical churches, and Aaron and I were becoming increasingly disenchanted with that tradition, for a variety of reasons. Last year we realized that we don’t even identify as evangelicals anymore, and so we needed to figure out what to do about that.
That decision eventually led to us going to this nearby Anglican church, and oh, it’s been such a life-giving thing for our entire family! It’s been especially healing for my husband for a variety of reasons, which is an incredible answer to a years-long prayer. As he said to me last Sunday, he’s looking forward to going to church again because it’s actually nourishing and restful. And I would completely agree. Finally, we are truly being fed at church and it’s a beautiful thing.
But even in the beauty and nourishment, it’s been somewhat disconcerting to feel like a complete beginner in the customs and practice of a religious tradition. They’re obviously still Christian, and the Scriptures are the same and many of the hymns and songs are very well-known. The richness of the symbolism found in the rituals is wonderful, but it feels like touching the tip of an unknown iceberg. The liturgies and doxologies are soul-filling and such a beautiful way to worship and pray, but hardly any are familiar and that’s a new feeling for me.
This newness of being wholly a beginner in this area is in no way a bad thing; it’s honestly made me much more empathetic to those who are brand-new to Christianity as I’m more aware of what that feels like. And our new church has made us feel so welcome, even as we figure out the logistics of taking our entire family to the front to receive the Eucharist, and follow along as best we can with all the sitting and standing and kneeling. And though it can sometimes feel uncomfortable to be such a beginner now, I’m so excited to keep learning and it just seems like a feast of rich things laid before our family. I’m so very thankful.
“[Jesus said] ‘Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.’” (Matthew 11:28-30)
“Finding Home in Anglicanism” series
Glory to God!