My patriarchy story

What does it even mean to be a Godly woman? (Part 2)

In the first post of this series on Godly womanhood, I shared that I don’t know what that idea even means anymore. I used to think I knew, but that has all changed. And a huge part of what caused that unraveling was my experience in a conservative Christian patriarchal system or subculture. One that was very sure it knew exactly what Godly womanhood looked like, and, if you followed their formula, your life would be peaches and cream. I wasn’t raised in that system, but I bought into it in my teen years, and then married into it and was therefore affected deeply by it.

Last June, after the release of the documentary “Shiny Happy People”, that shared the story of the infamous Duggar family and the religious subculture they are a part of, it triggered a lot of thoughts on my experiences in that system. I wasn’t actively involved in IBLP (the organization the Duggars were a part of), but there are/were many IBLP-adjacent organizations that espoused very similar ideology, and therefore infiltrated even more homes. My husband, Aaron, chose not to watch the documentary with me, as he knew that watching it would make him very angry. Not that he doesn't agree with the conclusion that this patriarchal system is abusive. He 100% agrees with that because he lived it, and for the last several years he's been trying to recover from it. And it's been crazy hard. Because lies that go decades deep when you were told them as early as you can remember, are extremely painful to remove, no matter how badly you want to. Aaron has done a ton of work to get to the place he's at right now, and I could not be more proud of him. However, both he and I know full well how horrible this belief system is when it's played out in real life.

I chose to process a lot of the emotions and discussions from that time through a series of posts on Instagram, simply hashtagged #jessicaquinnandpatriarchy. I got some negative feedback on them, but the overwhelming response was along the lines of “Thank you for sharing your story. I could relate so much!” I decided to re-share the posts here as a slightly-edited whole, as I’ve realized that my journey into, through, and out the other side of patriarchy directly, hugely, affects my view of myself as a woman who follows God. So here goes…

I wasn't raised in conservative fundamentalist patriarchal Christianity. My family are Christians and we were homeschooled, but beyond that we were relatively "normal". My parents had a pretty egalitarian marriage. My sisters and I were encouraged to pursue whatever path we felt God was calling us to. We were allowed to wear pants/shorts and sleeveless shirts. We were free to express emotions other than just happiness. All stuff you think should be a given.

Despite the freedom to pursue other paths, ever since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted to do with my life was to be "just" a wife and mother. While my family was supportive of this desire, most of my friends growing up (along with the rural Idahoan ranching community we lived in) communicated in some way that they thought that calling was definitely "less than" basically almost anything else I could choose to do with my life. I obviously disagreed, but dealing with that regularly was still pretty challenging.

When I was around thirteen or so, I first came across conservative patriarchal teachings through an organization called Vision Forum. Vision Forum went defunct in 2013 when its founder and president Doug Phillips was accused of s*xual abuse, but in the 2000s it was at its peak. Though technically not officially associated with IBLP, the organization mentioned in "Shiny Happy People", both organizations espoused essentially the same beliefs and ideology specific to fundamentalist patriarchal Christianity. 

From the moment I discovered Vision Forum, et al., I was enthralled. Finally: a community of people who valued what I was dreaming of. They believed that a woman's highest calling was that of a wife and mother, and they said they valued that. They valued a woman dressing and acting femininely, something I had always tended toward, but had been regularly mocked for in the past. I wanted this so badly. 

So I went for it. Though my parents were skeptical and disagreed, they let me make my own decisions. I started wearing only skirts, and made sure all my shirts covered my shoulders and came up to my collarbone. I found whatever free resources I could to learn more about this approach to Christianity, and saved up my money to buy Vision Forum books and teaching CDs. I became quite judgmental and legalistic toward Christians who weren't as strict as I was (i.e. everyone I knew).

This continued through all of my teen years. As I said, my parents disagreed with it all, but essentially wanted me to get it out of my system while I was still under their roof. And speaking of being under their roof, that became a huge sticking point. According to patriarchy, a daughter should stay in her father's home and under his authority until she was married and that authority was transferred to her husband. The thing was, my father disagreed with that belief. And since we lived literally in the middle of nowhere, after graduating there was nothing left for me to do at home. So after I became an adult, I begrudgingly left my father's home to do mission work, be a nanny/mother's helper, etc. with this desire to be married and be a wife/mom always in my heart. 

Then one day, I finally met a man who valued the same things I did. In August of 2008, I was living in New Zealand as a mother's helper to friends, and I met a man, Aaron, through HomeschoolAlumni.com. We connected over books and beauty and love of words. We discussed church ideology and aspects of theology. We fell hard and fast. 

(Just to make it perfectly clear: even if I knew everything then that I know now, I still would have said yes to Aaron. "Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it.") 

Ten days after our initial contact, Aaron called me to discuss starting a "courtship". Both of us knew this meant an intentional time of getting to know each other for the purpose of marriage. I was over the moon! The idea of courtship was not necessarily one that my family agreed with, and I had been told that I probably would never find a man who would agree to it.

Aaron was the oldest of eight kids, in a family of conservative patriarchal homeschoolers. From all appearances, his family had what I had been wanting for the last ten years of my life. I couldn't believe it! 

From the beginning, I wasn't conservative enough for Aaron's family. The fact that I was an unmarried woman living out from under her father's roof was initially an issue for Aaron's parents (though it was actually something that Aaron found attractive). When I dressed certain ways, said certain things, acted certain ways, I was given the side-eye. I was starting to see the unflinching legalism of patriarchy.

And the extra rules just continued... Even as two adults in our early twenties, we were strongly encouraged not to pursue a trip together to see my sister as it might "give the appearance of evil". Once we got engaged and were wedding planning, we weren't allowed to have any alcohol beyond champagne at the wedding. It all felt very stifling, but I was so desperate to marry the man I loved that I let it slide. We would be able to make free decisions on our own after getting married, right? 

We married in March of 2009, sharing our first kiss at the altar (something I would do again). I was finally a wife like I had always dreamed. The honeymoon phase lasted a couple of years, and then real life hit…

The thing about the belief systems of patriarchal conservative Christianity is that they don't really have anything to do with real life. They speak only to a small, isolated, and unsustainable bubble of experience, and once you step outside of that, you're at the edge of a cliff. 

Though Aaron and I left the conservative circles we were a part of about a year after we got married, the belief systems were ones that had been drilled into Aaron for decades. Things started to look different on the outside for our little nuclear family, but neither of us had any idea how deeply those beliefs were embedded. 

I realize now that every single sparkly-looking aspect of conservative patriarchy has a filthy underbelly you don't see until you're very close to it. 

In patriarchy, the idea that women are valued in being wives/mothers at home actually plays out as a woman being valued only in those roles, not as her own person. The woman becomes an object who exists solely to do/look/be what her husband wants.

The "shiny happy" faces of conservative Christianity are a result of not allowing any emotion beyond cheerfulness. It means that you're never taught how to deal with overwhelm because that's "negative", and any anger just needs to be stuffed down. Therefore, when life gets hard, you have no idea how to handle it, and eventually the stuffed-for-years anger explodes. 

These issues, plus many others, played out for about a decade in our marriage. In short, for years I was emotionally abused, and the vast majority of it is easily traced back to these patriarchal belief systems. Yes, my husband made wrong choices (that he has since openly acknowledged, repented of, and changed his ways in), but he was also just following what the system had taught him for years. 

At first, I did what I thought a "good wife" should do, and quietly accepted how I was treated. The head of the home is always right, yes? But actually no: husbands are just as fallible as anyone else, and wives have every right to stand up to abuse. The God I know (who is completely opposite of the "God" of patriarchal circles) hates abuse in any form. Things had to change… 

There is a hard truth that trying to detox and heal from deep-seated beliefs is incredibly slow. Many times it feels like two steps forward and one step back, especially if some of the beliefs themselves actively prevent healing. Once I started standing up against the emotional abuse, I kept asking Aaron if we could get counseling. For a long time he resisted, as there is a huge stigma in conservative Christianity against any form of professional therapy since that’s what the “bad Christians” do. Finally, thankfully, he agreed. (And now, he’s one of the biggest advocates for counseling/therapy!)

Even so, it’s been an incredibly long and excruciatingly painful road. Aaron has had to examine the root of basically everything he believed about anything, and more often than not, pull out that root and replace it with something completely different. To do that as a man in his thirties, with a demanding job and a growing family, is insanely hard. Yet he has persevered and done so much hard work, and I am beyond proud of him. 

In 2021, after over twelve years of marriage, Aaron and I held a vow renewal in the woods, surrounded by our kids, some family, and close friends. For me, the most poignant moment of the ceremony was when Aaron publicly acknowledged to everyone that it was his wrong beliefs and mindsets that had led to so much pain and hurt in our marriage over the past years. He was honest and humble, and shared only a brief summary with our guests that day, but I saw it lived out. I know the hours upon hours of emotional work he did and was doing to start to unlearn toxic beliefs and mindsets that he had for decades previous.

Our vow renewal definitely wasn’t a magic button that immediately fixed everything. For us it was a way to commemorate a turning point. We still had some huge struggles afterward, as more and more things that had been stuffed down for years emerged. But with total openness with each other, deep grace on both sides, and an excellent therapist, we’re now in an amazing place that I never could have even imagined several years ago. Redemption is a crazy beautiful thing.

I often find it ironic that, with how much pain fundamentalist patriarchal conservative Christianity has caused for Aaron and I, at first glance we might seem like we still fit that mold. (At least until you get close enough to see my nose ring and hear the rap music thumping while our oldest son practices his breakdancing!)

Yes, we have a lot of kids, but not because we believe that God wants us to use them to take over the world for Him. We have a lot of kids because we love them and view them as a very good thing.

Yes, we homeschool our kids, but not because we believe that public schools are evil. We homeschool our kids because we think it's what is best for our kids. Plus, we love having all the extra time with them!

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Some of the outworkings of patriarchy aren’t bad in and of themselves (and some of them are: obviously abuse of any kind falls into that category), but it’s the belief systems behind them that are the problem. And you don't have to specifically teach your kids something in order for them to pick up on it. Our kids most often pick up on our belief systems and mindsets without explicit teaching.

One thing that our amazing therapist has brought up repeatedly as Aaron works through all of this, is that the beliefs we are taught as children and young adults are often the hardest to shake as it’s something we’re being told while our brains are literally forming. Those are called “the formative years” for a reason! It’s excruciatingly hard, but even those deeply held beliefs can be uprooted if they are proving detrimental.

And it’s those beliefs that I’m wrestling with now. Through trying to figure out myself as an older teen and young adult, I clung hard to those conservative beliefs about my womanhood. I desperately wanted them to be true because then I believed I would be seen as worthy of value. But it was all a mirage, and in the end, those patriarchal beliefs were the thing that caused me to question my value more than anything else.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. This has been a seismic shift for me over the last several years, and coupled with the many demands of motherhood and life, I feel like it’s taking longer than I want to process it all. But… “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

So I’ll continue to do my part, and see where Jesus leads. He’s got this.

“What does it even mean to be a Godly woman?” series

Part One: I don’t know anymore